(no subject)
Jan. 20th, 2015 02:40 amIt's been years since I've actually taken the time to write a blog. But at the moment it feels like I need to, like something is dying to get out in words and causing this huge blockade that's making it impossible to for me to sit down and just write like I should be able to-like I used to do. Once upon a time I thought the reason I haven't really been able to write was because I moved to kansas and I was constantly bored.
Recently, (back in october) I moved to back Texas and wouldn't you know it, I'm still constantly bored. So I fill my time with pointless tv shows that might actually be melting my braincells but I don't notice because it sinks my time. Only now, on top of the constant boredom I'm constantly worried-worried about the fact I don't have a car, worried about the fact that I'll have to get insurance when I do get a car, worried about not having enough for all my sudden bills and frustrated by the fact I don't have a washer or dryer and have to go to a laundromat to clean clothes (which is more money + gas (which is more money))
And I keep thinking to myself 'One day I'm going to write a book and become a best selling author and I'll be able to make rent and buy a car no problem. I Just need to write a book-I need to get a book published'. I know I can do it but there's a nagging little voice inside that says maybe I can't. Maybe the chills I get from writing don't actually mean anything other than maybe I'm cold. But I get them even in the summer when the air conditioner is off and I just can't imagine doing anything else with my life. But then again, there are days I can't imagine doing anything with my life because honestly I just feel constantly stuck and that some major change is going to have to happen to my financial situation because I need more education before I can get good at anything. But I need more money for more education and it just becomes a vicious cycle.
There's a burning desire at the tip of my fingers every minute of everyday to just sit down and write until my heart explodes. However, I never know what to write and just end up staring at a blank page. I've heard the trick is to write anyway-I get plenty of ideas. My mind runs at about ninety miles a minute and imagination runs even faster so I shouldn't have any trouble just spitting out story after story but I do. I frequently run into the problem of not knowing how to take what I'm thought up and turning it into an actual story. I worry about how to even start-I worry won't be any good and I'll just scrap the idea later. I wonder if writing is even what I want to do with my life or if I'm even as good as I think I am.
I think that I am. Not sure about how other people think of my writing but I do feel it has that distinct voice that all writers have-that I actually could write something that stands out above all the rest. Or do I? I go right back to doubting it and start contemplating ideas for fanfiction instead, only then I start to wonder if that's even any good, looking at some earlier projects is generally pretty cringe worthy and once again my confidence is sapped. So I obsessively hoard books about how to be a good writer and tips to improve your writing and start looking for prompts to practice and still somehow end up with nothing. The advice to 'just write' is a lot harder than anyone gives it credit for being.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I had a point but it is three in the morning here and apparently all I could write tonight was about why I can't write on a regular basis. Maybe I'll start to keep up with a blog though, I've read from several sources that it does help to improve writing over time. Already I've written a hell of a lot more than even I was expecting to.
Recently, (back in october) I moved to back Texas and wouldn't you know it, I'm still constantly bored. So I fill my time with pointless tv shows that might actually be melting my braincells but I don't notice because it sinks my time. Only now, on top of the constant boredom I'm constantly worried-worried about the fact I don't have a car, worried about the fact that I'll have to get insurance when I do get a car, worried about not having enough for all my sudden bills and frustrated by the fact I don't have a washer or dryer and have to go to a laundromat to clean clothes (which is more money + gas (which is more money))
And I keep thinking to myself 'One day I'm going to write a book and become a best selling author and I'll be able to make rent and buy a car no problem. I Just need to write a book-I need to get a book published'. I know I can do it but there's a nagging little voice inside that says maybe I can't. Maybe the chills I get from writing don't actually mean anything other than maybe I'm cold. But I get them even in the summer when the air conditioner is off and I just can't imagine doing anything else with my life. But then again, there are days I can't imagine doing anything with my life because honestly I just feel constantly stuck and that some major change is going to have to happen to my financial situation because I need more education before I can get good at anything. But I need more money for more education and it just becomes a vicious cycle.
There's a burning desire at the tip of my fingers every minute of everyday to just sit down and write until my heart explodes. However, I never know what to write and just end up staring at a blank page. I've heard the trick is to write anyway-I get plenty of ideas. My mind runs at about ninety miles a minute and imagination runs even faster so I shouldn't have any trouble just spitting out story after story but I do. I frequently run into the problem of not knowing how to take what I'm thought up and turning it into an actual story. I worry about how to even start-I worry won't be any good and I'll just scrap the idea later. I wonder if writing is even what I want to do with my life or if I'm even as good as I think I am.
I think that I am. Not sure about how other people think of my writing but I do feel it has that distinct voice that all writers have-that I actually could write something that stands out above all the rest. Or do I? I go right back to doubting it and start contemplating ideas for fanfiction instead, only then I start to wonder if that's even any good, looking at some earlier projects is generally pretty cringe worthy and once again my confidence is sapped. So I obsessively hoard books about how to be a good writer and tips to improve your writing and start looking for prompts to practice and still somehow end up with nothing. The advice to 'just write' is a lot harder than anyone gives it credit for being.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I had a point but it is three in the morning here and apparently all I could write tonight was about why I can't write on a regular basis. Maybe I'll start to keep up with a blog though, I've read from several sources that it does help to improve writing over time. Already I've written a hell of a lot more than even I was expecting to.